sarah. word.

Definitely not a policewoman, think of those scratchy polyester uniforms

I remember the last time I uttered the phrase "I want to do x when I grow up" (where x=something amazing). I was in my 20s and out of college, working in a job that fit within my broadcasting degree options. By most accounts, I was already successful. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I felt ridiculous.

Except that I've never really felt like a grownup. Maybe that's because the older we get, the more we feel we have to achieve in order to not be stagnant. In terms of success, the sky's the limit, so I'll always have a long way to go.

I'm also a very different person than I was at 18, when choosing a major had more to do with a creative, engaging course load and less to do with how I might spend the rest of my life. I was on financial aid in college, so money was this exotic thing I didn't have and didn't really obsess over. I also never considered that the rather limiting television market would made it hard for me to just live anywhere, especially since I was graduating into a top market already (at the time, San Francisco ranked #5, behind New York, LA, Chicago, and Philadelphia. Dallas/Ft. Worth has since pushed us to #6). Did I want to move to one of the top 4 markets once I exhausted my options in San Francisco? I had no idea. I was just happy to be out of Sebastopol. Of course, now that the video landscape is changing so rapidly, I have a whole new set of rules to consider.

I think lots of people go through a similar "what does it all mean" period around the time they hit 30, which is right about when you have to stop claiming that you aren't a grownup yet. It's not that I don't like my career or that I feel unfulfilled, it's more of a "wow, I could have been a veterinarian" type of wistfulness. Sure, I could still do that, but I probably won't. Mentally I've missed my window.

But then I think about my dad, who, as a result of never getting a college degreee, suffered through a string of crappy jobs throughout my childhood. Eventually he couldn't take it anymore, so at age 45 he went back to school. And graduated with honors. And then became an elementary school teacher and really really loved his job. I'm sure he wished that he had taken the plunge 20 years earlier, but at least he was finally happy. In that sense, it's never too late.

Personally, I don't fantasize about teaching fractions to fourth graders, but there are a few careers I wouldn't mind pursuing somewhere down the road, such as:

1. Geographical Linguist
2. Travel Photographer
3. Tea Shop Owner
4. Acupuncturist
5. Cat Whisperer

What about you? Kind of a fun exercise.

Sarah's Random Question Game, Revisited

A couple years ago, I wanted to know more about all of you, so I created this game. It was fun. Let's have more fun. Per the original rules, please copy and paste the following questions into your comment post, but erase my answers and replace them with yours.

1. What's your favorite color?
Sorry, but that's a stupid question. I don't think that knowing my favorite color is green helps you understand me at all. Although I suppose it would come in handy if my birthday was coming up and you were mulling over the idea of buying me an article of clothing in cobalt blue, which I would accept graciously but then use as a dishrag.

2. If money was not a concern and you could pursue a single hobby for the rest of your life, what would it be?
A photographer. With A+ Photoshop skills. I know that's kind of a bland answer, but few things in life give me the level of joy that I feel when I take a photo and it turns out amazing enough to evoke an emotional response in others.

3. What's one physical thing you wish you could change about yourself?
Only one? What kind of brain teaser is this? Ok ok, if I had to choose just one, I'd get my nose fixed. It was broken many, many years ago, not attended to, and the cartilage healed rather asymmetrically. It never bothered me until my mid-20's when my face kind of settled in and got thinner. While I was on TV every day, I would occasionally get comments about my nose looking big or crooked, which helped feed my self-consciousness. But I'd rather spend my paycheck on a trip to Paris, so I think I'm stuck with it.

4. Sweet or savory?
Oh my, savory, though that's only in the last few years. These days I can do without ice cream, but not without soy sauce. If you cut me open, I'd probably be 65% salt water. And that's an unpleasant visual. Let's move on.

5. What's the dumbest show on TV that you try to watch regularly?
"The Hills" on MTV. Now I'm humiliated. I hope you're happy.

6. Do you have a favorite Bob Dylan song?
Gosh, you're playing hardball here. Once every few months, I'll dedicate some audio time to Bob, and a song that I haven't been paying much attention to will kind of stand out to me and I'll think to myself, "wow, this is a really fucking good song." See, I'll actually be cussing in my own head because I feel so strongly about it. At this moment, my favorites are 1) Idiot Wind, and 2) Abandoned Love. I think it's the lovelorn Dylan I enjoy the most.

7. Red or white wine?
Is it warm outside? Then white. Is it after dark? Then red. After a bottle of either I will no longer care.

8. What profession would you absolutely not want to try?
Aren't you ripping this off from Inside the Actors Studio? Anyway, I've thought about this at length already, and I definitely wouldn't want to be a city sewer worker.

9. How do you like your eggs?
Fried, over medium. Once served, they must immediately be placed on top of two slices of sourdough and punctured with a fork so that the slightly-hardened-but-not-fully-hardened-yolk seeps into the bread below. Then they must be eaten with great gusto.

10. What, in your expert opinion, is the best word ever?
Since I discoverd wordie.org, I have a million new ideas, but my new favorite favorite is syzygy. That's a badass word. You can't even play it in Scrabble!

Colon Watch 2007

Things I've eaten post-Master Cleanse this week, in order of appearance:

• A small reservoir's worth of diluted orange juice
• 2 ruby red grapefruits
• 1 apple
• 2 fruit smoothies (1 banana, scoop of blueberries, scoop of raspberries, splash of soy milk)
• 1 nectarine
• 2 tomatoes
• 7 spoonfuls of crunchy almond butter
• 1 large bowl of shrimp wonton soup with rice noodles
• 1 Amy's cheddar cheese burrito
• 4 pieces of Neuhaus dark chocolates

I probably dove back into the hard stuff a bit soon, but what the hey. Life is short.

I Am a Bad Blogger

Daily blogging is one of those activities that makes a lot more sense when you're unemployed. Or at least that's my pathetic excuse for the month of August.

In the interest of full disclosure, here are some other activities at which I tend to fail regularly:

1. Being on time - I don't think tardiness is acceptable, I really don't. That said, there's a gaping hole in my brain where a chip should be, the chip that accurately calculates what time I need to start preparing in order to leave the house at 7:45 a.m. Currently, leaving the house at 7:45 a.m. means that at 7:43 a.m. I'm frantically brushing my teeth, peeing real quick, trying to locate my other shoe, hobbling into the hallway at which point I pass a mirror and realize my outfit looks totally unfinished without earrings, having a small meltdown, changing my jeans, perking up, looking off into space, remembering that thing about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, reorganizing the mustard shelf in my fridge, and getting out the door by 9:15. Approximately seven minutes after this accomplishment, I will realize that I forgot my phone.
2. Keeping my hands out of my mouth - I'm a shameful nail biter. I've been a nail biter as long as I can remember, except during my '95-'96 acrylic nail phase, during which period I rerouted all that nervous energy into diligent split-end eradication (which is a full-time job and requires all kinds of dexterity and precision and makes nail biting seem like amateur hour). I'm not biting my nails in order to make them shorter, I'm merely evening them out. But they're just never quite even enough, see, and I'm not going to give in to in that kind of wacked out asymmetrical world without a fight. To the death.
3. Adequately preparing for special occasions - Have you ever stood in the massively picked-over greeting card aisle at Walgreen's a little past midnight, trying to figure out how to create a Valentine's Day card out of one that says "To a loving grandson, on his 1st birthday"? Welcome to my world.
4. Stocking up on soap - I should just buy a lot of soap at once, instead of buying one bar at a time. I should just stuff an entire cupboard full of soap, so that it's always on hand and readily available when I run out. I really should do that.
5. Chilling out - On a good day, I'm what you might call an anxious person, though I've been told "mother effing spazz" is more accurate. I'm not sure how I became so tightly wound. I think it happened somewhere between getting lost inside K-Mart as a five year old, watching "The Exorcist" for the first time in sixth grade, drinking coffee for dinner throughout my entire senior year of college, and spending the better part of the last decade working in live television. I have been known to worry about worrying. It usually strikes around 3 a.m. and is immediately followed by painful cravings for ice cream.

I won't leave until I've burned 500 calories, which is half as many as were in the burrito I ate for lunch

When it comes to exercise, I'm one of those  people who prefers health clubs to the great outdoors. In my warped little mind, it feels more authentic to exercise this way. I mean come on, any psycho murderer can run around the block and call it cardio, but real pros go to Fusion Fitness. The fabricated ritual appeals to me. I get dressed in all the appropriately clingy-yet-breathable garb. I drive to the appropriate location. I park. I smile at whoever's working the desk. I diligently work through my 1.5 hour routine (45 minutes on the elliptical, half an hour on weights, 15 minutes bike, with periodic trips to the drinking fountain by the massage center, not the one by the bathrooms because that one might be recycling toilet water). I try not to make eye contact with anybody who looks like they might be on steroids. And I always carry around a fresh towel to dab away excess sweat. Not that I sweat or anything. I'm too pristine for that. But if I ever did, even though I never would, I'd be polite about it and CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF.

But going to the gym is always a crap shoot, because you never know who's going to step in and ruin your pleasant little fabricated ritual. Here are some of the people that have taken credit lately:

• The guy on steroids who asks if he can “work in” between my two sets of reps because he just absolutely has to be on this particular machine at the same time as me, and of course I have to say yes because I'm afraid of him, and then he leaves the bench all sweaty
• The girl talking to herself on the treadmill adjacent to mine, which isn't really a problem, obviously medicated people need to excercise too, it's just that now she's actually kind of shouting and if I turn my music up any louder I'll probably go deaf
• That naked woman hanging out in the locker room who can't bring herself to put some damn clothes on even though she's obviously not showering
• The dude who grunts in an uncomfortably sexual way during his bench press
• That chick who stole my Vogue magazine that was literally four inches away from my feet while I was doing sit-ups, and then gave me a dirty look when I found her reading it on the last bike way back in the corner and reclaimed it, I mean that was ridiculous the way she made me feel guilty about reading my own magazine, and now she also knows where I live

I'd go on, but I actually do have to go to the gym pretty soon so I can time my elliptical workout with an episode of “House Hunters”. Those personal TVs they have on all the machines now...GENIUS!

A Life-or-Death Game of iPod Shuffle

Sometimes when I feel you're not being attentive enough, I write stupid titles like that. To wake your ass up. This is a life-or-death blog! I'm lying, of course. But did it work?

And sometimes when I've got nothing to say, I call out to the Internet for some inspiration. And by call out I mean that I spend several hours reading dlisted and icanhascheezburger and postsecret and call it research. With very little guilt attached, if any. It's research.

Today's inspiration comes from Heather Armstrong, who I have a mild platonic crush on because she's brave enough to write about things I could never write about, like depression, and religion, and pooping. I mean I could write about all of those things, but I'm not sure how that would affect OUR relationship. That is, yours and mine. Sure, it's possible that you want me to talk about poop, but my gut says the opposite. Gut! Poop! Ha ha ha!

Instead, I'm going to copy Heather's idea of writing about the first ten songs that come up when I put my iPod on shuffle. Which could prove embarrassing, because I impulse-buy Fergie songs, or boring, because at least a third of my music collection is based on what other people assured me I would like but that I've never actually bothered to listen to because I'm busy jogging to Fergie songs. Sorry, real-life friends. I guess it's time you knew I rarely take your musical advice. But I have devoted precious gigabytes to your impeccably good tastes, and that should count for something.

First Song: "Hell is Chrome" - Wilco

Oh nice. I call this Wilco's "Peanuts" song, because of the piano right off the top. Peanuts as in Charlie Brown, not as in baseball. Of course the rest of the song is not at all reminiscent of "Peanuts", just those first three seconds. Wilco does that a lot. See, they want you to pay attention just like I want you to pay attention, except that they're musical geniuses and I'm just annoying. A friend of mine once called Wilco "a band for grown-ups", and while that description would normally have me running for the non-contemporary hills, I have to agree. I feel grown up listening to Wilco.

Second Song: "NARC" - Interpol

You either love Interpol or you want to drown them in their own musical monotony. I happen to be in the former category, mainly because Interpol reminds me of when I used to hang out with the emo-electroclash kids at the Arrow Bar five years ago. Which was a fabulous time in my life, btw. I've never seen Interpol live, but my friend Heather (Frank, not Armstrong) has and she said they were totally unimaginative and played their set exactly like the songs sounded on the album and even in the same order. Which kind of appeals to me because that's exactly what I usually don't like about live shows. Too much guesswork. Too many chances to eff up my favorite track with some some unique spin. Props to Interpol. Up with monotony.

Third Song: "Dumb" - Nirvana

Senior year of high school. My friends and I liked the part where he says "and have a hangoverrrrr", even though our poison of choice was Coors Lite and not actually glue. True story: the day after Kurt Cobain killed himself, a handful of us walked around school with little blue ribbons safety-pinned to our shirts. To memorialize him. I don't make this stuff up.

Fourth Song: "O Maria" - Beck

Eh. I like Beck and am intrigued by what kind of company he'd be if he were, oh, sitting across from me at the Omelette Express for Sunday brunch, but I don't love Beck on the same level as many of my hipster friends. Although to their credits, my hipster friends would probably not put "O Maria" at the tops of their lists. I also dock points from a song with a woman's name as a title. It's difficult not to imagine some chick named Maria squealing when she hears it at a frat party because OMG they're playing that Beck song about her.

Fifth Song: "Horses" - Palace Music

Ok, I've never heard this song. But I know who Palace Music is. Another group that people cooler than me nod their heads in agreement about. It's ok I guess. His voice is a little thin. I know that these days singers with wide ranges of ability can make it and be respected, but I think I could have probably pulled off this song as well as he did. And I'm a terrible singer.

Sixth Song: "Chicago (Multiple Personality Disorder Version)" - Sufjan Stevens

I prefer the original version off the Illinois album. But I definitely like songs with hand-clapping sound effects, so this passes. I've never seen a photo of Sufjan, and I hope that I never do, because my imagination has concocted something very, very specific and I'm almost positive that the real Sufjan will disappoint. Like the first time you see your favorite radio personality on a highway billboard and you're horrified and scarred for life. It should be illegal to do things like that to people.

Seventh Song: "Mercy Mercy Me" - Marvin Gaye

This is unfair, iPod shuffle, because while I really, really love Marvin Gaye, I really, really don't love this particular song. And I'll tell you why. Around 1990, I used to babysit this kid whose parents had a satellite dish (I lived in the sticks and nobody even had cable yet, so this was a technological marvel). Nothing except the Disney Channel ever came through, though. One night I was watching that god-awful Mickey Mouse Club and two kids (possibly Christina and Justin) sang "Mercy Mercy Me" as a duet. And it was so bad and awkward and inappropriately mature that I've hated it ever since. Just one more thing to blame on Disney. Although "Herbie Fully Loaded" was plenty.

Eighth Song: "No No No" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Now we're talking. One of my favorite albums ever. Love you, Karen O. Until just now I never noticed the irony of the song title next to the band name.

Ninth Song: "Blue" - Smashing Pumpkins

I don't know what my problem is, but I love this band. Especially the early songs. Again, a high school thing. Billy Corgan was my unlikely hero. Of course I'd never even heard of Billy Corgan until after "Siamese Dream" came out, because at that time I was still discovering music exclusively via MTV. My friend Nicole Atkinson once told me that the song "Today" was about taking ecstacy. I wonder if "Blue" is about getting the shit kicked out of you. Hard to say. I'll ask Billy the next time I see him.

Tenth Song: "Invalid Litter Dept." - At the Drive-In

My old hairdresser used to date the singer in this band. But then I think he went to med school and they got a new singer. Or something. I don't remember her story well enough to know if I'm listening to the guy I don't technically know but feel like I know through her, or the guy I don't know at all. He yells a lot about a wishing well in this song, which is awesome either way.

Top 10 Things I Miss About Traveling (But Hated at the Time)

Brave New Traveler has just published an article of mine in which I describe the attitude shifts one must come to terms with after embracing a vagabond lifestyle:

When you travel for more than a few months at a stretch, it becomes a job. A job you don’t really like all the time. A job you start to complain about.

I should know - while skipping around the world for a year, I did a lot less skipping than I did budgeting, reading transportation timetables, and gesturing wildly to unsympathetic street vendors.

But eventually the journey ends, you return to your normal life, and something magical happens: you find yourself wanting that old job back, warts and all.

Here are ten things I couldn’t stand then, but am pining for now.

Read the full article >>

Reasons Why I Don't Do It

22. I'm not an entrepreneur.
21. I have no experience.
20. I hate my hair.
19. It's daunting.
18. I'm too tired.
17. I fear change.
16. I don't like schmoozing.
15. I have nothing to wear.
14. I have to work out.
13. I'm too shy.
12. I'm too short.
11. I'm too old.
10. I don't know Perl.
9. I'm too busy.
8. Ok, I'm too lazy.
7. My pores are too big.
6. It's so far to drive.
5. And gas is expensive.
4. It's a waste of time.
3. It's a gamble.
2. It's crazy.
1. I'm afraid of rejection.

Sarah's 5 Easy-as-Pie Privacy Tips

1. Secure Instant Messaging
If you use AIM, have you ever noticed how some of your buddies have little lock icons to the left of their screenname? That means they've installed a free encryption certificate through AIMEncrypt. Once both parties have it, the conversation will be totally encrypted. If you're not an AIM user, try Trillian Pro (128-bit encryption) or Hush Messenger (a whopping 2,048-bit encryption) for safe chatting.

2. Secure FTP transfer
If your server supports secure FTP transfer (make sure you check because some don't), then consider arming yourself with an FTP client called SecureFTP. I know you wouldn't upload or download anything embarrassing or anything, but still.

3. Text-Only Outlook
Unless you like spam, it's important that you make sure you set Outlook to display messages as text-only. When Outlook downloads an HTML message with embedded images, it often needs to send a request to grab the image data from the originating server. So even if you delete a message right away, you've let the sender know there's a real person on the end of your address. In Outlook 2003- Tools/Options/Email Options Tab/check "read all standard mail in plain-text" In Outlook Express- Tools/Options/Read tab/check "read all messages in plain-text"

4. Secure Email Clients
Pocomail- free trial, $35 to buy - comprehensive virus protection, spam filtering, and organization options
Cryptomail- open source encrypted email software- free, but accepting donations
Hushmail-        encrypted web-based email (also a new plugin for Outlook)  free, $30 for premium edition

5. Password-protect MS Office files
Keep all the snoops around your home or office out of your MS Word, Excel, and PowerPoint files. From within Word, Excel, or PowerPoint, click on the Tools menu and select Options. Click on the Security tab. Under "File encryption options for this document," type in a password. Click OK. When you try to open the document, you get a password.

Easy stuff folks! Hope you're feeling just a little bit safer now. Unless of course you already knew about everything I just mentioned, in which case you are very, very cool and deserve a treat.

The Top 5 Game: Essential Software

So we were talking around the office about how all of our desk computers are completely shot to hell from years of software tests, installs/uninstalls, weird registry entries, and data fragmented up and down the block. Ok, my computer's in worse shape than most (they actually brought the beast down from SF for me, much to my dismay), but those of you who like to experiment on your own systems know how nice is it to stop the insanity and start over with a clean slate.

This brings me to today's Top 5 Game: If you had to choose, what five programs do you consider must-installs on a fresh and clean OS? Here are mine (XP):

1. AIM (but only when combined with AIMutation for tabbed browsing, etc)

2. iTunes

3. WinRAR

4. Firefox (extensions: IE View, BugMeNot, Firesomething, GoogleBar to start)

5. Spybot Search & Destroy

Ok, what are your faves?