Alive and Well, With Updates

8/24/06

It's been a long few weeks.  Sorry about the lack of posts.  The computer battery went bad and then some food or something got caught under the mouse thingamajig and then we spent a week on a deserted beach with little electricity.  Then the dog ate it.

Anyway, here is a recap of the past few weeks.   

Beijing

I ate a sheep's testicle.  It's sold in open air food stalls in back alleys.  Don't worry, it was cooked (funny, Sarah didn't buy that line of reasoning either).  Needless to say, she wasn't interested.  I felt I must eat it to fulfill my obligation as a man after it was presented to me by a toothless old Chinese guy (and really, what does that say about me?).  Also, if you're wondering, it didn't really taste like chicken. It tasted like balls.

Dining experiences, genitalia or no, are an interesting affair.  My wife and I have a certain routine after sitting down at a restaurant.  First, we both frown thoughtfully over the menu.  Lately, most menus aren't in English but for some reason I still glance over it like I'm constructing a nice salad / fish / Chardonnay combination.  Then, we smile and nod our heads like braying morons to whatever gibberish the waiter tells us.
After which, we stutter through the Chinese words for chicken, beef and noodles.  Finally, said waiter usually laughs to himself, says something completely unintelligible which is probably an important question as to the type of animal we're about to eat (remember the sheep?) and we again nod our heads like the class brown nose. 

Lately though, Sarah has taken it upon herself to learn more Chinese.  I'm proud of her. It's not easy trying to get around a country where you don't speak the language, but she isn't afraid to make a fool of herself.  I, unfortunately, am.  I need an English menu to make dinner happen.  Otherwise I'm disappointed, because when in doubt, they're just going to bring rice and noodles.  And who wants that?  She's cute because she just keeps trying to say her new words.  When that doesn't work, she pulls out the Chinese phrase book, struggles to find the correct section while the waiter politely waits and I think of ways to kill myself to spare us the embarrassment.  Thank god for her though, otherwise it's probably back to the sheep for me.   

My wife and I had quite the glamorous day in China.  We went shopping, got foot massages and then stopped at the beauty salon for new haircuts.  I didn't complain once.  What's happening to me? 

It's funny because there is no way I would have been able to do all that back in the states.  I guess it's something about other countries which makes it OK to do girly things.  I even enjoyed myself (for the most part).  A teenage girl shampooed my hair.  The last time that happened, it was my mom doing the job and I was three years old.

The salon was a bit of an ordeal.  As you probably guessed, we don't speak Chinese.  I can't even say "thank you" correctly.  So in hindsight, it was probably not a wise decision for Sarah to get her haircut.  I'm easy.  Just give me something a little more than a buzz cut.  Sarah has more precise directions.  Directions totally lost on her stylist (are they called stylists?  I'm much more fluent in barber-speak, not fancy "shampoo your hair" type places).  After they finished with my hair, I noticed Sarah going into nervous shock.  Apparently, they we're giving her some sort of hip layered Chinese fad look.  She was fighting back tears while explaining that she wanted it short in the back and longer in the front.  Actually, I'm still not clear what she wanted.  I still can't grasp the "shorter in the back" concept.  All this confusion didn't help matters when I stepped in to help.  Sarah and I went back and forth trying to pantomime how she wanted it cut.  By now, the dozen teenage Chinese girls working there were simultaneously expressing their own theories on Sarah's wishes and pointing to pictures of women's heads in magazines and laughing at me.  Someone grabbed Sarah and gave her a phone.  The woman on the other line listened to Sarah describe her problem, and then asked (in English) why they called her.  Sarah said she didn't know.  The woman hung up.  I thought she might burst into tears right there.

Long story short, we got out of there.  As we walked back to our place, I told her she looked great, it's just a haircut, it will grow back..  all that stuff.  She quietly told me not to talk to her.  I complied. 

Ho Chi Minh City

This town is insane.  It's the motorbikes.  There are hundreds of people (some four at a time) on loud fast motorbikes darting everywhere.  Either everyone on the road is an incredible driver or they all want to die.  Maybe both.  Crossing the street is an art form.  The trick is just to move out into traffic at a slow constant speed.  You must believe the lunatics racing toward you will move.  Either that, or shut your eyes tight, hold your husband's hand as if you were walking to pre-school and pray he will get you across.  (Ask Sarah about that last option).

People won't stop trying to sell things tome.  Their tenacity is incredible.  There is a small army of Vietnamese women on the streets everyday with sunglasses, batteries, cigerattes and paperbacks talking turns asking me, no, telling me to buy stuff.  Every two minutes while sitting at a cafe they approach. 

"You buy lighter?" 

"No thank you."

Woman blocks my view doing her best Barker Beauty with the merchandise.  Pause

"Buy something?"

"No"  Wave of the hand.

Pause.  Woman stands there looking through me.  A stand-off.

"NO!"  says Sarah.  Woman leaves.

Mekong Delta

Distance-wise, the Mekong Delta is far suburbs of Ho Chi Minh City.  We took a two-day guided tour there which included riding on lazy row boats to visiting little houses where people make rice or candy or incense sticks.  It's all very fun and good, except taking these kinds of tours never feels authentic.  It all seems, and is, set up for the tourists' sole benefit.  Example, while getting rowed down the river, the only people doing any riding are Europeans and ourselves.  The only Vietnamese people there are the guide and the women rowing.  It feels like an amusement park.  Something else I've noticed is these tours are exactly the ones I would have jumped out of a moving car to avoid as a kid, but now find interesting ("Oh wow!  So that's how they make rice sticky." etc.)      

I also ate python meat.  It was pretty tasty.  As with sheep testicle, python tastes nothing like chicken.

Da Lat

Rained for two days straight.  Didn't see shit.

Nha Trang

This is a resorty place to try and pick up Australian girls (not me, single guys) up the coast.  We didn't do a whole lot besides sit under palm canopies on the beach.  I got burnt in the shade.  We did, however, rent a motorbike.  It's not a scooter and not a full fledged motorcycle.  Somewhere in between.  Ours broke down about ten minutes after getting on.  At first, I thought this for the best, since I'm not a good motorbike driver and was taking years off Sarah's life as she tried to hang on / not cry.  As I tried to push the dead bike out of the path of an oncoming bus, a nice Vietnamese man stopped his own moto, took me (leaving Sarah, possibly forever) to a phone.  The man was kind and wanted to practice his English, so he stayed with us and made calls on my behalf until we got back on the bike.  He even offered the use of his house (we declined as we were leaving the next day).  Apparently in Vietnam, if you rent something with an engine, you are responsible for getting gas immediately.  It doesn't come with a full tank, as you might expect.  This cultural difference is compounded when the fuel gauge is broken and points to F when it's really E.   

Jungle Beach

If I ever give up, I'm coming here.  This is a nearly nearly deserted beach about fifty kilometers north of Nha Trang.  We sat on the beach for five days and did nothing. 

Nothing.

Comments

[Joe]

Hey Brendan, thanks for the update. How did you know what balls tasted like? Never mind, I don't wanna know. That last pic of you with the shades is badass. Put a toothpick in your mouth, and you could pass for Stallone in Cobra.

[Eduardo]

If you need help ordering food when you can't read the menu.

A good trick is to go to a busier place, and watch what others order. Then point at other people's food for what you want.

Kinda like a make-shift buffet!

Goodluck!

[s0m31]

I was wondering when the train was gonna stop a rollin', that's all I've see for the last two weeks. The beach must have been the best part, that traffic sounds horrible. It seems Sarah's been wanting to cry alot, doesn't sound like much fun. The hair part was funny, it's hard enough to tell an american here how I want my hair cut, but telling someone who doesn't speak english, wow. I wish you two the best of luck.

-John-

[Darlajo]

I know how Sarah fills. I got my hair cut the other day and I hate it , but the bad thing is, is that it looks like the picture I picked out, but I don't look like the girl in the picture.

[mary]

nice update thanks for keepin it real

[Hermes]

Podcasts are great, guys.

I need that deserted beach right now, like you wouldn't believe.

[Liana]

I wanna see a picture of Sarah's haircut after that lovely detailed description of the horror she went through! :)