Celluloid Lane: Closer

Have you ever been so in love that you did something awful to make the person hate you and set you free from your obsession? Have you ever been so in love you'd forgive someone for making your worst fear come true? Have you ever been so in love that you were reduced to nothing more than pathetic ash? If you answered yes to any of the above, you'll probably relate to the characters in "Closer". But you probably still won't enjoy it.

Quick synopsis so I don't ruin the happy ending (just kidding, it's because I can't bear to think about it any longer)- Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Jude Law, and Natalie Portman are four deeply flawed characters intertwined in a bizarre and largely unbelievable love triangle. The glaring annoyance is that none of them seem to understand real passion or the modern concept of fidelity, although they manage to keep all the trouble within a nice, neat, 4-person reality over the course of several years. I saw redeeming twinkles in each of their eyes now and then, but they continued living disappointing lives. My guess is that the point of the movie was to showcase true character flaws, the kind that will tear someone away from their dearly beloveds no matter how they try to reform...but we as an audience get zero background on these folks and what could have possibly gone wrong earlier in life to warrant such mental cruelty.

Ok, I'll admit the acting is quite good, but do these sound like people you'd like to watch for two hours? I assure you the problem doesn't get fixed and nobody learns anything.

Oh, but you will see Natalie Portman in a stripper thong and not much else for a good 10 minutes. Yep, she's a stripper, though by far the most angelic stripper ever seen on film. So if that's your bag, perhaps you should stop listening to me.

Comments

[Kashif Khan]

wheres the oceans 12 review ??? :)

[Axl Rose]

Big fan of strippers

[Axl Rose]

Guns N' Roses rule.

[Axl Rose]

I don't like geometry

[Axl Rose]

I am in dept up to my eyeballs

[Axl Rose]

Please help me.

[Axl Rose]

Would someone else like to post????

[Axl Rose]

I'M AXL ROSE.

[Axl Rose]

Bed time for me.

[jack mason]

Hey Sarah... you look great tonight... too bad you keep biting your nails.. yuck!

[Blaze]

heh, I seen it also..(my gf made me) and yeh, it blows.

-Blaze

-- Spam my gmail account..dont worry its mine.. if u dont believe me email me first..

--- white.hendrix@gmail.com

[Expendable Crew]

Natalie in a thong . . sounds nice. But perhaps not worth $9 and 2 hours. There's always time to rent though. Nice review.

And, I'm going to have to agree with the biting the nails comment. Nahhh . . on you it's just endearing.

[ZenBro]

*MUCH BETTER [SHOW]* ... 'preciate it, 'Karah' ... [;)

[Dan]

UGH... poor Kevin... I hope you didn't drag him to this movie. Sounds like a real chick flick! ;)

[Johnny]

i'm so tempted just because damien rice's tracks are in the opening/ending credits, on the trailer, and i heard he did bits and pieces of music within the music.

[Phil]

what about oceans 12?

[Justin]

Wow Sarah, this is the first negative review of Closer I've read so far--and I've been reading them all well. Haha. I've been waiting to see this for months, since I saw the first trailer (with Garden State maybe?). Anyway, I'm going to have to put your review aside and then let you know what I think.

[nico]

you may understand it better if you see the play. nyc.

[Just Eric]

Thanks for the warning Sarah incase my wife wants to go see it..

[Jay]

Sarah, let's see more of your nice legs ;)

[langley]

From what i understand, Natalie Portman had a body double for any of the "dirty" stuff, and well..what's the point? I'm with ya on the angelic stripper stuff. Blah.

Oh, and wouldn't it be a "love square" if there were four of them? ;)

Probably not gonna pay for this one. *shrug*

[WART HOG]

Yawn...

Hey, why does 41 seconds of DVD recording seem to take up one third of a DVD-RW disc?

I just thought I would mention a tech related question. Obviously Sarah is looking for another job as a movie reviewer. Based on crappy G4 I really can't blame her!

But at least pick a flick that virtually anyone gives a crap about! Chick flicks suck! Even women and gays don't like 'em!

[Martin E. Lover]

Interesting. The review I read of it had it sounding awesome. I'll have to see for myself. Any movie featuring a scantily-clad Natalie Portman can't be that bad. =)

[excalipoor]

i was watching best damn sports show period yesterday, and i saw u being interviewed by tom arnold, but u have a g4 mic with you too. who interview who?

[SpeakerOne]

>> Obviously Sarah is looking for another job as a movie reviewer.

She started trying to do that back when the move to L.A. was first announced. A bit esoteric, if you ask me.

[Craig]

Review on NPR this morning was just as negative. I'll be waiting to see it on HBO ...

PS - Sarah, unless you are hitting the tanning salon in LA, you've gone from "fresh" to "well done" on the makeup. Personal opinion ... TV can do strange things to skin tones - NTSC: Never The Same Color.

[Dan Benge]

Not every movie has to have a happy ending. If this movie made you feel uncomfortable then I think the director did the job he was trying to do.

Sometimes movies are supposed to make you feel uncomfortable.

Mike Nichols is an awesome director.

If you don't like uncomfortable movies, definitely stay away from "Happiness" (lots of taboo subjects made into a dark comedy) or "Dancer in the Dark" (blatant injustice against an innocent person all the way through with a lot of false hope).

[sublime78]

hehe, poor Kevin? yea I immagine going to see natalie portman play a stripper and THEN getting to go home to...

Nevermind, yea poor ole Kevin.

Nice segment on hiding data, you know... gotta say, it's not just data you can hide that way. Then again you can always bury stuff in you yard too, I always thought that was a little extreme though.

[Knight]

Cutting out pages from a book to hide a memory stick? Wouldn't it be a lot easier and cheaper just to slip a CD or DVD with data in between the pages of a book?

[sublime78]

Well some thumb drives come with security features, which would give you extra...um, security.

But, good point.

I seem to remember Kev showing us something similar before TSS left S.F. Maybe I'm imagining but, OH WAIT, I think it was on unscrewed, it was like how to hide shit in laptops.

[adam]

Hey everybody!

[rebrad]

JoeytheIntern has published hope for the future. http://www.joeytheintern.com/blog/index.php?p=16 The return of techtv as MSTechTV. If MSTechTV is tech and keeps the games at a min (and isn't contaminated by LA), it has my support. I know of a whole lot of good folks that can hit the road running and produce quality shows. G4TV will go the way it was before they bought TechTV, the shitter.

[Axl Rose]

Free Hit Counter

[Viewer]

Ok, has anyone else noticed this:

Sarah got a lot hotter.

I mean she was always good looking, but damn. I watched the show 2 nights ago for 15 minutes or so and didn't think it was that bad. It was the first time i've watched since early October when ALex annoyed me too much to continue watching.

[Free Willy]

Desperate times, desperate actions.

[Jay]

She is a hottie, but she needs to wear more skirts and tight tops. Can I hear an amen?!?! I'd watch more if she did.

[Eloi]

How about a nice thoughful (Quantum mechanics) and beautiful (the always wonderful Marlee Matlin) movie to
offset Closer? Take kevin, you could both use some
reminding that the world can be wonderful and it is what you make it.

What the Bleep Do We Know!? - The Movie
http://www.whatthebleep.com/

[wendy]

i love your movie reviews, it's really cool that they are letting you do this kind of stuff on the show now too. i really just came here to say that your hair is looking hot and i wish i had your stylist... but i read your review and had to comment about it. i saw finding neverland because of your review and it was great, thanks for being a smart and honest critic.

[Marcus]

Actually, "Closer" was much more of a character study rather than a standard film... as Sarah pointed out, you really don't get much insight as a result of the strange Fade to Whites and cuts only to find out a bulk of time has gone by... either way, for at least the first forty minutes or so, I found myself thinking that the film almost rivaled "Showgirls" in sheer... I really won't even talk about "Showgirls", but still, the dialogue at times, while attempting to seem irreverent in wit, came off as flat and unbelievable, especially from Clive Owen. The best acting job easily was from Law, rivaled by Portman. Either way, "Closer" was a mediocre film with an odd Payoff at the end that left you wondering if the whole film's plot was a sham. I'd never see it again, unless my better half was interested.

[Marcus]

By the way, I saw that you had "Rushmore" as a featured film. Classic. The opening Montage is brilliant.

Anyway else consider "Boogie Nights" one of their favorites, by chance?

[JC]

Great show today! I like how Kevin R was co-hosting (needs someone there with a more well-rounded tech knowledge). Keep the other girl on permanent assigntment:) perhaps in the lan room.

[Peter Piper]

Kevin R told us all that he does not want to co-host. It's outrageous that G4TechTV can't even respect his wishes on even that. It must be downright humiliating for Kevin to be jerked around like that.

[RingoCola]

"Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Jude Law, and Natalie Portman are four deeply flawed characters intertwined in a bizarre and largely unbelievable love triangle."

hmm....sounds more like a love square than a love triangle. but good review, now I don't have to waste my riches on a ticket.

[excalipoor]

if its 5 people involve, would be called a love star??? lol...

[N/A]

Nataile Portman in a Stripper Thong. Nah Rather see Sarah in one. Would make the Sarah cam more fun to View

[njcu]

A depressing chick flick with an unhappy ending....

I rather jump into a swimming pool of double edged rusty razor blades, or spend eternity eating shards of broken glass, or get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face, or slam my fingers in a door again and again and again and again and again, or have my blood sucked out by leeches, or shove an icepick under a toenail or two, or clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue, or jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks, or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue than watch this kinda of movie.

Thank you for sparing me the horror.

-RN

[Skyline]

a little reply to your review, Sarah ;)

http://iblogg.blogspot.com/

I enjoyed the movie, btw... but yea, i agree with u as well as a lot of people there, but the whole thing was more real to me than u guys' comment, as I think I can personally relate to the story more.

[You]

This was one of the most amazing movies i have ever seen, sarah just didnt grasp the meaning! The only people who wont like this movie are those who are to dumb to understand it! This is an awesome movie, so just see it!!!

[Ivan]

Hey,the movie is a great,yet twisted piece of sexual innuendo. Besides,you will be seeing NATALIE PORTMAN as a STRIPPER,nuff said.

[david hume]

The movie was a fraud. as a stage play, it worked, and worked well. Marber is a good playwright. but for all its world travels as a play, even South Korea put it on, it's the kind of play that does not transfer to film. Period. Hollywood got greedy, thought all the PR for the play was a built-in market, and in terms of marketing, it was, but as a movie, bigtime letdown, big time failure, not the mother of all failures, but a real disaster of a movie. Nichols should be ashamed of himself. Period. The play's the thing. Leave it at that. Marber also got greedy.

[leroy]

keven rose and sarah are cool

[poopoo]

I saw my first Playboy in the first grade. As I laid my eyes on the creamy smooth forbidden flesh, what I really paid attention to were their expressions: did they betray vulnerability, reluctance? That really was the show, witnessing clean beauty becoming awashed in shit.

That really is Closer's theme. It wasn't truth per se that destroyed their romantic notions of love, but the coming in terms of their own shittiness.

Since seeing that Playboy, I've come to realize that women are as promiscuous as men. Women are so willing to express their sexuality it's gotten disgusting...